The Sun has got his hat on - but not flip-flops

It seemed to me, dear readers, that the recent and welcomely-extended spell of warm weather offers a good opportunity to put before you a few thoughts on the attire of the average Briton at play when the sun is out. I admit, before voices of accusation and vituperation are raised against me, that this weather has been unexpected and unseasonable, and so many may have been caught unawares by the clement conditions - but not everything can be so excused.

We Britons are an odd lot (and, if I may say, we Scots the strangest of all). The slightest breath of sunshine instills in us a near-fanatical determination to sit outside, whether the conditions are favourable or not. And yet, despite this addiction to drinking or eating al fresco, we seem utterly unprepared for the contingency, and dress as if we have taken a running jump at our wardrobes and hoped for the best. (I include myself in this for reasons of proper British modesty, but, it will not surprise you to learn, have a better handle of what to wear that than.)

I do not wish to be too prescriptive. I am not in the business of laying down RULES (well, I am, but I will spare you for the moment. All I would ask, beg, implore, beseech of you (and this applies to ladies as well as gentlemen), is that you might cast your eye over a certain number of entreaties, and perhaps allow them to filter into your consciousness.

1. Whether you are Cary Grant or Grant Mitchell, Audrey Hepburn or Audrey Roberts, I DO NOT want to see your feet. This means no flip-flops. At a push, wear them on the beach - I will likely not be there - but anywhere else they are beyond the Pale. Not just because they tend to stain the feet; not just because they induce a foot-dragging shuffle; not just because they expose the tender parts of true podiatral hygiene pirates; but mostly because the pulling-away of the sole from a sweaty foot creates a sucking noise which is the most horrific on God's green Earth. Just don't. There are myriad types of footwear available in the wide world - don't wear flip-flops.
2. The simple fact of the sun shining does not necessarily mean that it is mandatory to expose every last square inch of pasty white flesh to all and sundry. Modesty and, let's face it, self-awareness have their place. Look at it this way. If you have second thoughts about what you're about to wear, there's probably a reason. And your third thought should be "Do you know, I think I won't". Chalky, pipe-cleaner legs, veiny thighs, bingo wings, mottled calves - none adds to the sum of human happiness. And, for (any?) female readers - if you believe yourself to have "alabaster" skin or a "pre-Raphaelite" look, that's all very well, but, really, summer is not your season.
3. On a positive note, I do not hold with the view that shorts, for gentlemen, are unacceptable. Frankly, better a man wearing shorts than a man turning his trousers into an amusing test of how much sweat cotton can absorb. But, please, observe a few basic decencies. They should be mid-thigh, at least; they should be of a modest colour (to wear white shorts you have to be very, if you will forgive the phrase, ballsy); they should not be figure-hugging; and they should make some nod towards the rest of your outfit. (I saw a "gentleman" today who had found it amusing to team a linen jacket and a T-shirt with camouflage combat shorts and flip-flops. His continuing survival is a testament to my tolerance.)
4. Wearing shoes without socks is a perfectly acceptable option when the weather turns warmer, but, again, just think of context. Deck shoes or plimsolls with bare ankles can look quite appropriate and, perhaps, even stylish, but brogues on bare feet will only induce nausea and feelings of vicarious discomfort. Those low-cut socks which sit inside shoes without revealing themselves are no sin, and may contribute to the sum of human happiness. Just think wisely, is all. No gentleman wants his interlocutor to inquire whether he has been to the cheesemongers, if, in fact, he has not.
5. A final note on sunglasses (a subject to which I will return on another day). It is a mistake for a gentleman to assume, as so many do, that one pair of sunglasses will serve all his needs, all the time. It is no more likely to be true than assuming one pair of shoes would be adequate. The usual considerations of face-shape and the like apply, of course, but the style of sunglasses should match the style of the outfit. There are formal, semi-formal and casual styles, and any number of sub-styles thereinbetween. Just think about it, that's all.

Here endeth the lesson, for now. I hope you all enjoy the glorious weather, and long may it continue. But, if you have any ambition towards elegance, do not imagine that sunny weather is a get-out-of-jail-free card.